Beholding him loved

As I sat on the floor yesterday afternoon picking up the memorabilia that Kate was exploring, I flipped through old cards. Most of them are from my childhood-- from grandparents now dead. In this past year as we have struggled along under financial and emotional stress, I find myself wishing they were alive still. I want to call and ask them, "How did you get through it?" and "What did you do to survive?" or "What will I wish later that I should have done?"

The words of the elderly are always so comforting, even if just from reading old "Happy Birthday" sentiments. It reminded me that I am so loved. If I look from their perspective, my life wouldn't be just about a dirt backyard, an untended tree and my old, broken van. They would be so proud of me. They would see things the way they really stand.

I find myself crying out to God, yesterday afternoon on the floor of my guest room, weeping silently as my daughter slept above me on the bed. Tears came again this morning when I called my only living grandparent, my 80 year old Grandma. I was so discouraged. Not only was my neighbor renovating away, reminding me of how we haven't gotten to anything new in our house in almost three years, but our van needs repairs (again) for the third time in less than four months. Should I let $150 dollars get to me? No, but it does. We have spent an unlikely amount on our cars this year. In my life it IS all about the money, by not having.

I keep coming back to Oswald Chambers quote from My Utmost For His Highest, September 28th, devotional :

"Then Jesus beholding him loved him." (Luke 14:26) The look of Jesus will mean a heart broken for ever from allegiance to any other person or thing. Has Jesus ever looked at you? The look of Jesus transforms and transfixes.

I can be real with God. I can hate every penny we have spent on our van this year and I can cringe that I spent so much time away from my kids to pay for it. But one look from Jesus reminds me. I am loved. Just like the old birthday cards reminded me of how much all those grandparents loved and rejoiced over me, He still does.

I am loved.

I am looked upon.

I am changed.

It is hardest to say "Hallelujah" when it hurts.I am reposting this great link from my friend, Carolyn.

Work at...Reading

Reading.
One challenge in my life is to keep reading--and in my busy life it becomes tricky. When? Ususally when the kids are bathing or during their naps (when I need a rest and not to get chores dones) and at night before bed. The other part of the challenge is what books??? My favorite source for less than junk writing is a magazine called Bas Bleu. I love their suggestions.

My new current/favorite reads are:
Tailor, Tinker, Soldier, Spy by John Le Carre (takes a long time to get going, but very suspenseful)
all of the books by Kate Morton (great beach read if you want something light)
Unbroken by Laura Hilldebrand
Team of Rivals: the Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln (see my sidebar-- long but interesting)
Grapes of Wrath by John Steinback (I know, why did it take me so long to get to it???)

The other challenge is to find good  books for my kids, not the run-of-the-mill books, but interesting stories to engage their minds. Grant is at that age where he doesn't want to sit still but he still wants the experience of holding the books. Count so far-- Grant = 2, Library books = 0; this library experience is not turning out to be cheaper than buying my own books. But Kate is fascinated right now. Especially since we found a new section where they keep the fairy-tales. Nothing like wolves and witches to keep them engaged...

Amos and Boris by William Stieg
Lon Po Po by Ed Young
Once a Mouse by Marcia Brown
Big and Small, Room for All by Jo Ellen Bogart
The Costume Party by Victoria Chase
Jack and the Beanstalk by Steven Kellogg
Does a Kangaroo Have a Mother, Too? by Eric Carle
Little Red Riding Hood retold and illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman
St Goerge and the Dragon retold by Margaret Hodges
Peter and the Wolf by Vladimir Vagin
Rapunzel by Jacoband Wilhelm Grimm, illustrated by Dorothee Duntze
Cinderella illustrated by Charles Parrault

Life + Church

Within the past three years I have seen a lot more conflict than every before in my life + church. Growing up, I was trained in an atmosphere of incredible enthusiasm for the gospel and raw humility that gave me a deep loyalty to church. I have always felt like an alumni to a famous school, where history and loyalty run equally deep. Church, however, has never been a place to live in spiritual optimism. Conflict is inevitable.

That's when you have to go back to your roots.

I was reading my daughter a book today about trees. It describes the root system as something that grounds you. My church experience, no matter how imperfect, grounds me. As an adult, I can look back and say, "Sure. Not everything was great. Not everything they did was right or perfect." But you know what I can't do? I can't  pull up all those roots. My church experience, all of the good and all of the less-than-perfect, is rooted.

You should know a good church when you go back to God's word in the midst of conflict. I am grateful that all my "spiritual DNA", like my friend Carolyn say, tells me to go back to those roots--right doctrine.

Right doctrine is inescapable when you run in to conflict. Youthful optimism says that all problems can and will be fully resolved. But over time, you know it just takes time. God's word tells us that true wisdom means you can live without complete resolution.


I started living with understanding less when I was 17 and my best friend and her family left our church family. I started living with less friends after my own church went through some difficult changes two years ago. And I am going to grieve but accept the loss of even more stability as the church organization I grew up in struggles.

This is not easy. My best friend suffered. I lost friends. And now I am seeing the pastor and his wife who married my in-laws, my own parents and then me and my husband have to leave the church where we all met. All I can do is sink my roots into God's word. Then I know I can learn to allow winds to blow and droughts to come because I know life + church is adding another ring of growth.

I love what these writers have to say here about church.

The Church is THE plan God has for sharing the good news of Jesus Christ with the world.  There is no Plan B.  The Church is the Bride of Christ.  There is no second wife. The Church, these sinners we find in pews and chairs next to us on Sundays, they are the Church. These people you cannot stand because of their hypocrisy, their judgment, their rejection, THEY are the Bride of Christ.  Just like you and I in our hypocrisy, judgment, and rejection of them and of others are the Bride of Christ.
It is time we stopped being surprised by what we find inside these buildings.  These buildings ARE full of sinners.  These buildings ARE full of broken people.  These buildings ARE full of people who are just as desperately in need of a Savior as you or I.  It should come as no surprise, and yet we continue to use the brokenness of others as a reason to leave church*, as a reason to say, “I’m a Christ-follower, but I’m not a Christian,” or, “I’m a Christian, but I don’t go to church.”
The Church is not perfect, but it IS God’s perfect plan for sharing the Gospel with the world.  We can choose to enter into that identity as His Bride, aware of its brokenness, aware that Christ shows up in broken places, or we can continue to sow division, trying to separate ourselves from THOSE Christians.  But that does not change who the Church is.  The Church is not perfect, but it IS the Bride of Christ. -Haley