Every day in the hospital, fear is visible on patient's faces. As I do my rounds, the disbelief and surprise is the first thing they mention. They cannot belief that their enemy is internal. A few may have become numb to their routine hospital visits; but they are all still afraid. This week was another example of both: the 99 and the 27 year old female sleeping down the hall from each other, both fighting disease and infection in its various stages. There was the 26 and 51 year old men, with large amounts of unexplained weight loss, both facing new diagnosis of metastatic cancer.
In light of these daily examples, you would think I would take courage in the face of our own external trial. We found out last week that Travis will be done at his current job next Thursday, a week from today. He and the company mutually agreed that there wasn't a job for him currently with any training potential.
The internal battle to not be afraid is still strong. It is probably what it feels like to be in a hospital gown in a hospital bed. When is the next test? Where is my doctor? What did the test show? Where's my lunch? You wait. Most people don't realize that half of the time in a hospital is spent under observation. All you can do is wait.
Travis' job has been a roller coaster since before we were married. And now it is another waiting game with more upswings and plummeting drops. I am afraid at times. Will we ever find a stable job? Will Travis be able to find one quickly? Will the money run out?
Yet we have hope. Hope beyond health. Hope beyond money. Hope that is eternal. We can take courage in the promise of heaven and comfort in the love of Jesus. Even through it all, this is a test of faith, not willpower or time. It is an opportunity, as one of our friends put it last night, to think creative thoughts of God. Think creatively. What an interesting way to be reminded not to allow our minds to be limited when we think of God's workings.
We have had so many creative blessings too. On the same day Travis lost his job, I got a large bonus at work. I also found out that it will cost us nothing to be covered for health insurance through my work. I also have a job interview today to explore some private practice work for two prominent cardiac surgeons on the side. Creative blessings that show God is taking note.
Here is a promise to hold on to:
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB)